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quotes.txt
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1997-04-16
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An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
- Camus
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
- Goya
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
The Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
- William Brag
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself,
but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head.
- George Wallace
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
- Bert Lantz
Some people like my advice so much that
they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
- Gordon R. Dickson
The personal computer market is about the same size
as the total potato chip market.
Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market
and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose.
- James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982)
Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B',
'A' is most likely a scoundrel.
- H. L. Mencken
Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried.
- Thomas Jefferson
You don't have to explain something you never said.
- Calvin Coolidge
A good marraige is like an incredible retirement fund:
You put everything you habe into it during your productive life,
and over the years it turns from silver to gold to platinum.
- Willard Scott
A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.
- R. and H. Exley
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer
is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to be wet.
- Anon
A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.
- Montaigne
Another person's secret is like another person's money:
You are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
- E. W. Howe
I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
--Woodrow Wilson
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
--Oscar Wilde
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing"--Ferguson
Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first.
If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
The death rate on Earth is: One per person.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax--Einstein
The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in
a form by filling it out, and in which your alarm clock goes off
by going on.
Football combines the two worst features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings--George Will
The Best of Leaps--Scott Bakula
You won't strain your eyes if you look at the bright side
of things--Winston Churchill
It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than
to repent of those we intend to commit.
Josh Billings
I enjoyed the wax tadpole story. Do you think they package "bite the wax
tadpole FREE" or "DIET bite the wax tadpole"?
Wasn't it Joan of Arc who said, "Is it just me or is it hot
in here?"
Wasn't it Caesar Augustus who said "Silly me...here it is the middle
of January and I'm still writing 'B.C.' on my checks."
Wasn't it Dan Quayle who said, "What was the question?"
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "What's the number for 911?"
Wasn't it Roseanne Barr who said, "It ain't over 'til I sing"?
Wasn't it the captain of the Exxon Valdez who said "Damn! Who
brought the corkscrew?"
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "I am confident that my superior
air force will wipe the infidels out of the sky"?
He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then, when
sentence was about to be pronounced, pleaded for mercy on the grounds that
he was an orphan.
-Abraham Lincoln
Own Stories
Men are not hanged for stealing horses, but that horses may not be stolen.
-Lord Halifax
Works
He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares
not is a slave.
-Sir William Drummond
Academical Questions
The least pain in our little finger gives us more concern and uneasiness than
the destruction of millions of our fellow human beings.
-William Hazlitt
Works, Vol.X
He had occasional flashes of silence, that made his conversation perfectly
delightful.
-Sydney Smith
referring to Macaulay
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.
-Thomas Paine
Common Sense
----------------------------------------------------
The highest obligation and privilege of citizenship is that of
bearing arms--George Patton
I realize I am generalizing here. But, as is often the case when I generalize,
I don't care--Dave Barry
An optomist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds;
a pessimist fears that this is the case.
The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free
is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities.
I'm just glad we don't get all the government we pay for--Mark Twain
[On weightlifting:] Picking up something heavy and then putting it back down?
That's not sport, that's indecision--Paula Poundstone
Able was I ere I saw Elba.
Name no one man.
Sit on a Potato Pan, Otis!
A man, a plan, a cat, a bag, a hen, one yen, one hag, a bat, a canal...Panama!
He was on a scaffold re-shingling the roof when his cousin pointed up
and said 'Look! A Giant Helium Blimp!' So he took a step back
to get a better view--Garrison Keiller
What's the point in being grown-up if you can't be childish
at times?--The Doctor
Laughter is the closest distance between two people--Victor Borge
Even though we're both talking English, we're not speaking
the same language--Calvin and Hobbes
We must believe in free will. We have no choice--Isaac Bashevis Singer
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey
their children--Duke of Windsor
A hundred billion is *not* infinite and it's getting less infinite
all the time--Isaac Asimov
When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as
public property--Thomas Jefferson, 1807
I divide all readers into two classes: those who read to remember and
those who read to forget--William Lyon Phelps
What does an actor want with a conscience anyway?--Jiminy Cricket
We must hang together, gentlemen. Else, we shall most assuredly
hang separately--Benjamin Franklin, 1776
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain--Jane Wagner
Those who would sacrifice liberty for security,
deserve neither--Benjamin Franklin
The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never
praising themselves--Wyndham Lewis
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light
you pour on it, the more it will contract--Oliver Wendell Holmes
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise
his client to plant vines--Frank Lloyd Wright
[A drama critic is] a man who leaves no turn unstoned--George Bernard Shaw
We may take pride in observing that there is not a single film showing
in London today which deals with one of the burning issues of
the day--Lord Tyrell, British film censors' chief, 1937
In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what
your Mom cares about--Hobbes
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men
dread it--George Bernard Shaw
Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because
they quit playing--Oliver Wendell Holmes
Have you ever stopped to think what life would be like without flowers?
I mean, what would you send to dead people? Grapes, maybe.
Then there would be something to eat at a viewing--Dave Barry
Well-organized ignorance often passes, unfortunately, for wisdom.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel
coast to coast without seeing anything--Charles Kuralt
20 years ago, with `The Selling of the President,' was the first time
that people realized that President was packaged...like a bar
of soap. 20 years later, people have gotten to the point where
that analogy seems unfair to soap--Barbera Lippert
I'm the Descartes of anxiety. I panic, therefore I am--Richard Lewis
A straight line may be the shortest way between two points but it is by
no means the most interesting--The Doctor
Acceptance by government of a dissident press is a measure of
the maturity of a nation--William O Douglas
A good neighbor doubles the value of a house--German proverb
There are two kinds of people who don't say much--those who are quiet
and those who talk a lot.
A politician is someone who can make waves and then make you think
he's the only person who can save the ship--Ivern Bell
One thing the discovery of the North Pole revealed is that there is
nobody sitting on top of the world.
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!--Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
the universe--Carl Sagan
In the force of Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press
Chevrolet trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group
have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity
and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible
jerks about it--Dave Barry
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts
and economists?--Kelvin Throop III
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me
to see him in a department store and he asked for
my autograph--Shirley Temple
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been
searching for evidence which could support this--Bertrand Russell
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about
toilet paper--Rod Serling
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.
Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're
paying somebody not to--Franklin P Jones
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of
one or two things still safe to eat--Robert Fuoss
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it--Groucho Marx
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child
Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it
does when it grows up--Will Rogers
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race,
creed and color, but also on grounds of ability--Tom Lehrer
The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by
his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than
there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and
English teachers--Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter
the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable
if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering--The Doctor
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you--Will Rodgers